The M Word

Kev and I certainly take dealing with our circumstances differently, some of that is gender and some of it is personality.

I write, and through writing I share and heal {share much more than he would, clearly...}

Since this is a foundational post for this blog, so you know who I am and what got me here, it is on the long side.

I plan to keep most later posts shorter. ;)

So, here I am sharing what has lead us up to the news {or shall I say the confirmation of} the M word.

Perhaps this will serve as validation for so many other ladies out there going though what I have as well.

Since I was a very young child I always knew that I wanted to be a "mommy". While I always presumed that I would have one or more biological children, I also felt very strongly that I would also have adopted children.

The magic number, I thought, in my little-child, pink tutu wearing, dolly carrying mind, was 4 children.

The years went by and I {---eventually---} met my dear husband. I was not a career woman making a lot of money, nor was a traveling the world, I simply had not met the guy who I would marry until now.

We talked briefly about adoption being in our future, since for me it was a given that we would do so at one point. And we planned to "try" to "get" pregnant right away when we got married.

Being that we marred later in life we figured on starting right away.

I knew that at 38 my biological clock had probably already rung it's last alarm, but deep inside I so yearned for that baby to be growing inside me.

The feelings of checking the proverbial stick each month {and two, and three, just to be sure the first was not actually correct}went from initial excitement, to then confusion, to sadness and depression, to eventually numbness.

Without going into too much detail that would embarrass Kev, there were many clear symptoms and signs of  concern that I brought up with my then OBGYN.  She kept telling me I was "fine" and to "have a glass of wine". I specifically asked her if I could be going though menopause, to which she replied emphatically that I was too young.

Fast forward about a year later, continued obvious symptoms, and another OBGYN to whom I finally put my foot down demanding answers. {If you know me, you know that is alot for me to be so bold.}

She was great, and I am so glad I ended up in her office that day. She suggested that I might have PCOS and sent me to a specialist.

PCOS would have been daunting enough.

The specialist, who I have had a very good experience with, is a Reproductive Endocrinologist. I also asked him if I could be going through menopause. He initially said no, and I am convinced that is because he truly believed I had PCOS, so many signs pointed to that. But at the same meeting when I said "hot flashes" he stopped, literally stopped, writing and talking, and looked at me in such a way that my heart dropped and I knew....what he would tell me weeks later....

Even though I "knew", without showing his hand, he ordered a battery of tests {poking.. prodding.. embarrassing.. painful..} and delivered the news.

The M word.

Menopause.

With a touch of polyps and endometriosis, a-hem.

(by the way, ladies, my HSG test was very painful due to two blocked tubes.)

To be specific "Premature Menopause" which lots of well meaning dear one's keep confusing and referring to it as "Pre-Menopause" saying that every one my age goes through these things BEFORE menopause.

Let's be clear, I am going through actual menopause, but the word "premature" means that I am experiencing it earlier than I normally should.

I have the gamut of symptoms and it is not fun.

Our RE explained that hormone tests show that my eggs are extremely low in quality to the point that I would probably not get pregnant and if I did, the pregnancy probably would not last full term.

I do believe in miracles, and I also believe that the Lord gives us medical professionals to help us, and to tell us about our bodies, so a biological pregnancy is in His hands now-- but He got me to the hands of the professional who told me a natural-biological pregnancy, medically speaking, is not going to happen.

Our RE also offered IVF with another woman's egg as an option. My husband is against this for his own reasons, and I respect him and his thoughts and feelings. We also considered egg donation as a form of adoption, and after exploring this, we decided that this is probably not the route we wish to take. We also would not do this if it involved any type of selective reduction.

You know, when couples go through this one must respect that they have given much time and thought to how they will proceed. My biggest hope is that I take this journey with the Lord by my side, guiding my decision, and so I support my husband in his prayers also.

Sadness and despair do not come close to the emotional and the darkness I felt for so many months. Prayer, tears, time, and loving support helped me to climb out of that pit and deal with who I am, my new idea of my body, and realize that I owed it to myself, my young marriage, and my future adopted children, to look up and carry on.

It was quite an experience to go through my first surgery, lap/hyst this past summer. I'm so thankful for my mom and husband for getting me though that. As well as family and friends who sent cards, called, and basically loved on me, and on Kev too.

Through all of this, I've had to overcome fears, sorrow, and shyness as I learned about myself, leaned on the shoulders of strong woman who too had been through like journey's, and realized even more just what a rock Jesus is in my life.

My personalty is happy, easy going, creative, funny, and all of that shines through my chosen hobbies, ministries, and my career choice. These things and the people in my life keep me going, and I am glad to say that I have turned a corner in this whole thing.

Yes, I have mourned the loss of my fertility. Yes, I can still fall apart and cry any given day. Yes, the Premature Menopause is an annoyance, to say the least, and I am still learning about the M word.

I'm not sure that there can be any permanent closure for this process...but...

My parting gifts are that I have gained great insights into my strength, my faith, and the kindness of others.
I say YAY to that! Amen!

Fast forward to when we decided to make the adoption "plan" official!!!!

And now we pray for the Lord's leading as to how to begin that plan, and set it into motion.

...more on that in later blog posts.

 Blessings, Lynette